After: An Unexpected Something Blue

The wedding was awesome. AWESOME. Gorgeous and joyful and amazing...

... and hilarious. In several unintended ways.

What do I mean? Well. Prepare for some over-sharing, if you really want to know.

Since "a pop of T.A.R.D.I.S. blue" was our color scheme for the wedding, we ordered Red Velvet Cupcakes from our favorite bakery - but requested they be dyed blue, rather than red. Cool, right? And with all that cream cheese frosting, they were delicious, and devoured by many. That night, we giggled and stuck out blue tongues at one another.

Then things got interesting.

The first text we received regarding the Cupcake Aftermath was from one of D's groomsmen, Don. It read:

Those Dr. Who cupcakes animated the effluence. My poo is blue, sir.

That was the first message we received regarding The Blue Poo Epidemic, but not the last.

Hey, one more communal experience, right?

Something old, something new, something borrowed... and an unexpected something blue.

Yep. Something like that would definitely happen to us, and bring much merriment to our friends. I've never heard so much about other people's shades of poo as I have these past two days. I promise to share more mushy sweet stories from yesterday at some point.* It really was an absolutely beyond-words-wonderful day. I swear.

Followed by blue poo.

*What a terrible first choice of words...

2: Tomorrow

Today, we will run around like mad and then drive for three hours.

Tonight, we will rehearse and then dine with our nearest and dearest, then D will go off with his boys, I'll spend a quiet night with some of my friends and then with my parents.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow.

5: No Flowers? No Groomscake? No Problem!

Just breathe, and it'll all be fine.

Within the past couple of days, I had a few cancellations.

The friend who was going to make a fantastic groomscake (I saw the prototype, and it truly was out of this world) had some other stuff come up, and told me she wasn't going to have the time to make it. Hey, life happens. So I just took a breath, looked up cake toppers on Amazon, and came up with a simple, non-fantastic but totally-fine Plan B.

Then today I got a call from the woman who was doing our flowers. She lives a few hours away, and is a friend of the POG (that'd be Parents of the Groom), and as her gift, was going to design flowers. But she came down with a bug, and wasn't sure she'd recover within the week, and regretfully informed me that she would not be attending the wedding, and not providing flowers. Again, life happens.

So I took a breath, and mentioned this call to a friend - WHO TOTALLY LOST IT ON MY BEHALF, sort of like the Anger Interpreter sketches on Key & Peele (warning, link is NSFW). That was very validating. But I did not lose it. I just went to a florist on another friend's recommendation, walked in, and calmly informed them that my florist had canceled and I would need some simple flowers for Saturday.

"You seem pretty chill about this," said the florist, giving me a look that says Some Brides Would Fall Apart At This News.

"It's fine," I shrugged. "I'm getting married either way."

There have been a few other hiccups this week, but I am resolved to not lose my cool. It's not worth it. No one is being malicious; sometimes plans change. And no matter what, this is supposed to be about joy, community, love - and nothing is going to derail that.

(But, like, also the caterer not canceling would be cool, if You're listening...)

7: Chuppah

How do you get the right chuppah?

The right ingredients, of course. Starting, first and foremost for us, with the right people.

As noted early on, our team has been and continues to be incredible. Our friend Richard the Master Builder was enlisted quite early to be our Chuppah Builder. More recently, WSM Diana and I went shopping for some fabric for the canopy-top of the chuppah. Turns out around that same time, Richard was out in the woods... chopping down some trees to really make a hand-hewn traditional wedding canopy.

He began the basic construction, and invited WSM-D and me to come help finalize the design and move toward final build yesterday. With a week to go, it was time.

I have no words for how beautiful this chuppah is going to be. Only an amazing feeling of gratitude. I think gratitude is going to be the Word of the Week, y'all. So instead of words, here are some pictures to document the day's work and preview the beauty to come...

A sturdy tree view...

Cutting the fabric with RL

Cutting up with the fabric (and can you spot the WSM?)

Experimenting with draping the fabric

Sewing the fabric once we found the right draping
(Thanks for the help, Lesley!)

10: Ketubah

(A small preview of the ketubah, which in
real life is more beautiful - and BIG!)

Yesterday, I went to get our beautiful ketubah framed. The ketubah is very special; it was a gift from some of my sweet coworkers, and was custom designed by our artist friend Christina of C. Mattison Illustration. Obviously, this document matters a lot to us, symbolically and physically.

So when I had to hand it over to a guy at the framing place, and he was my age but basically toothless and kept wiggling his finger in his ear, mining for wax as we spoke… well. I was nervous.

“It’s our wedding contract,” I said protectively, placing myself between the ketubah and Toothless Ear Wax Man. “It’s very important to us. It’s called a ketubah—”

“I’ll getcher done,” he said, finger thrusting again into his ear.

I wanted to walk out right then with the ketubah, rather than abandon the poor innocent wedding document. I felt odd, leaving her in the grubby hands of this disinterested man. But no place else in town could handle that big custom framing job on a quick enough time frame, “guaranteed.” Thus, I handed over our ketubah and left, feeling nervous. 

My misgivings continued to mount: He didn’t even know what a ketubah was! He didn’t care! HE MIGHT GET EAR WAX ON HER!

Today, I got a call that the framed ketubah was ready—earlier than expected. I went in to get it, feeling the lingering trepidation.

Toothless Ear Wax Man was not there. Instead, a brusque middle-aged woman, efficient but not warm, was behind the framing counter. I handed her my receipt, and she went to get my order. She brought out the large, now-heavy framed ketubah, and brusquely peeled off the tape from the crisp brown butcher paper to reveal the handiwork below.

“It’s beautiful!” I said, relieved, when I saw it.

“Yeah, that’s good,” she said, re-wrapping the butcher paper. She matter-of-factly checked me out, handed it over, and then as I turned to heft the ketubah and heave it out of the store, she cleared her throat.

“Hey,” she said, still abrupt but with a kind twinkle in her eye. “Uh, ‘mazel tov.’”

I looked at her, the efficient stranger at the framing counter who knew what this paper-wrapped item was and why it was so important. Suddenly, I could tell my memory of getting this lovely ketubah hastily framed in Mississippi was going to be far sweeter (and way less waxy) than I had previously thought.

“Thanks,” I said, meaning it, and carried our ketubah out to the car.

You'll Want To Read These! (But You Can't. Yet.)

Wedding Themed Movie Nights.

Reaching A Decision Regarding My Name.

My Last Year of Filing Taxes As A Single.

Guestzillas.

These are all blog posts that I have started, but have yet to finish, because HOLY CANNOLI. Not to sound like a broken record, but working full time + volunteering + packing up a townhouse + planning a cross-country move + selling stuff on Craigslist + managing pets + WEDDING WEDDING WEDDING PLANNING  x (being halfway across the country from the fiance for almost two months now) = if I don't put remember to breathe on my list, I will probably start turning blue.

But I WILL finish those posts.

Hopefully soon.

In the meantime - I'm going to go to bed. Because it's almost midnight, and I have to be up in six and a half hours, and get some sleep is also on my list.

xoxo

Here Are Some Of The Things Freaking Me Out, RIGHT NOW

You never think you'll have nightmares about things like tables
and table linens and plastic chairs. But you will. Oh, you will.

There are a few things - like, good things, mostly, but OMG things - freaking me out right now.

In no particular order, a sampling of the Currently Freaking Me Out List:

- In less than a month, if someone calls me "Mrs.," they will not be wrong.

- I'm having nightmares about things like missing dresses, unpaid caterers, too-few tables, hangry guests, more and more and more surprise bills.

- Per instructions from my amazing friend who is helping with decor, I just spent $200... on candles. I never thought I would make that much of a candle investment, in my entire life.

- Let alone keep up with the items on my list, I can't keep up with ALL THE LISTS I SHOULD BE MAKING.

- I haven't seen that dude I'm supposed to be marrying in a month and a half (which will be remedied soon, fortunately) and I'm kind of used to being on my own again and that's freaking me out, too.

- There are STILL people who have yet to RSVP, one way or the other. I now have guilt over any wedding to which I did not properly and promptly send my response. Karma, y'all. I'm sure I deserve this.

- I am also 100% sure I am forgetting something really, really important.

- W-Word aside, I have a lot of furniture I should be selling, boxes I should be packing, planning I should be doing, writing I want to be doing... but most days, if I can manage to get my work done, check off one or two W-Word to-do items, take care of the pets, maybe squeeze in a social visit or call, and not walk into things more than three times or use made-up words more than twice in the course of a day... well, right now a day like that is chalked up as a WIN.

All in all? THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW:

Journeys & Destinations

Here's where the rehearsal dinner will be!

With just over a month to go, it was time for one last trip to W-Town. So the WSMs, the Chuppah Master, and I hit the road early Saturday morning.

First stop: Lunch at the Rehearsal Dinner Venue. The MOG & FOG met us at the Italian restaurant where they will be hosting the rehearsal dinner. It was a lovely visit, a lovely lunch, and we were able to compare notes on other items on #TheList.

Bonus: Delicious Italian foods means that the rehearsal dinner will fit right in with the "our wedding theme is carbs" plan.

Second Stop: Scouting Out the Venue. With a new floor plan in mind and our Chuppah Master on hand for the first time, we cast new eyes on the ol' venue and made a few important decisions.

This is how I make the fiance jealous.

Third Stop: Donuts. Again with the carbs. Also, this particular donut shop is D's favorite. How could I pass up the opportunity to have my friends snap a picture of me, enjoying-but-also-regretting enjoying one of those babies without him? (His reply when I texted him this photo: "My favorite person eating my favorite donuts? No fair!" Aww.)

Fourth Stop: The Open Bar. That's not the name, of course. But loyal readers will recall the tales of the not-actually stabby gay bar that is now our second home in W-Town. This time, no one's pants hit the floor. This time. (It was earlier in the day. And anyway, we'll be back.)

Fifth Stop: Night Lighting. We ran back to the venue right as it was closing, just to see what the lighting-at-dusk situation would really be. Good news: it'll work.

So much for small ice cream.

Sixth Stop: Sushi and Gas Stations. No, don't worry, not sushi in a gas station - sushi and several gas stations. Yeah, we actually stopped a couple of times on the three hour drive back home. (Luckily, when all the passengers have to pee frequently, none can judge.) Chuppah Master-R wasn't that hungry when we stopped for sushi, so he decided to just get a little ice cream. Lesson learned... there's no such thing as a little ice cream at that sushi place.

The trip was good, and the time with friends was even better. As WSM-D sweetly and astutely observed, these moments are what we'll remember. Maybe even more than the blur of the wedding day. Sharing jokes in a car. Stopping embarrassingly often to pee. Revealing a few secrets. Laughing.

The journey, even more than any destination.

Dear Wedding Industry

Dear Wedding Industry,

Stop it. Just - just stop.

Today's mail delivery. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
You're just killing trees at this point.

I know you're going to tell me that "you can't help it." That you, being the favorite begotten child of the Fashion Industry, Consumerism Culture, Body Image Issues, and All Things Fleeting But Expensive, cannot be anything other than what you are.

But stop blaming your origins and just go ahead and admit that You. Are. OVERKILL. Because damn.

For starters, YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP WITH THE STALKING. I mean, for real. Did you have spies outside our window the night D and I got engaged? Despite the fact that we kept the news far from Facebook for a full week, the magazine deliveries, emails from wedding websites, and advertorials for honeymoon destination packages and discount tux offers started pouring in immediately.

YOU NEED TO STOP.

I just want you to know that I'm over you. I tried ignoring you, unsubscribing from you, blocking you, but you are so persistent that now I'm going to willfully get in your face and refuse/refute all of your suggestions. For example, here is a partial (representative but non-comprehensive) list of words that YOU keep insisting are absolutely OMG-vital, and which NO ONE will use to describe my wedding:

• Decadent
• Fairy Tale
• Princess
• Expensive
• Dream-like
• Rustic-vintage
• Shabby-chic
• Fancy-simplicity
• Any-already-cliched-hyphenate

We're not a good fit, you and me. We have different hopes. Different expectations. And clearly, we work with different budgets. Yours appears to be just this side of Donald Trump's, while mine is hovering somewhere closer to Lean Heady's.

So let me go, okay? Quit me. Please. I'm over you. I just want to move on---

Oh, wait. Oh, hold up. Now that my wedding is about a month away, soon you will drop me like a hot potato and - OH. Oh, crap.

You're going to turn me right on over to The Maternity Industry, aren't you?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
Beth

Just Over 2 Months To Go: My Life Is A List

#TheList. It haunts me.

I've always been a list-maker, but now it's gone to the extreme. I said that this blog wouldn't be a "resource site," but I might share a clean version of my master list tomorrow in case it helps out any list-loving-but-logistics-hating folks of my ilk. Maybe it can help others, others like me who love a completed list like Cookie Monster loves a crazy big cookie.*

So.

Here's where I am with #TheList, AKA The List of What Needs To Be Done For This W-Word Thing To Happen (you can understand why I shortened it to #TheList).

Everything with a " ü "  - I've completed. Anything highlighted, I'm behind schedule on. Anything with that other weird symbol that keeps replacing my check-box icon is not yet done, but not yet overdue. I have my work cut out for me. (Also, I should note - I'm saying "I" and not "we" because while D does have a few assignments, since he's now several states away and starting an intense new job, this last couple of months of W-word planning is mostly coming down to me. On behalf of we. Luckily, I/we have an excellent on the ground AND distance cadre of people willing to help us/me get this done.)

Here's where we are:

The (Fun! Fabulous!) Off-Season

5 Month Wedding Planning Checklist

(Okay, yeah, so we've been engaged for more than 5 months - we decided to "just enjoy being engaged" for the first month or two - can't say I regret that... YET) 

5 Months Ahead

ü  Set a date – run it by important must-attend list (parents, besties) before locking it in!

ü  Book a venue for the service

ü  Book a venue for the reception (light two candles with one match and have both in the same place – BOOM – that’s our plan)

ü  Select officiant

ü  Determine a budget and how expenses will be shared

ü  Decide on a color scheme, if you’re having one

ü  Take engagement photos (and make them YOU)

ü  Guest List for Save-The-Date / the big invite

4 Months Ahead

ü  Send Save-The-Date

ü  Buy a dress (or whatever you’re planning to wear for the big day)

ü  Buy appropriate underwear (to go under said dress / whatever)

ü  Put together your ensemble (some people call them bridesmaids, groomsmen, that sort of thing, but we preferred the more-inclusive and theatrical “ensemble”)

ü  Hire a photographer

ü  Create wedding website

ü  Have some fun registering for stuff (and start looking around your place and deciding what you’re ready to donate or lovingly gift elsewhere)

ü  Start premarital counseling

3 Months Ahead

ü  Book reception entertainment

Hire a videographer – OR ASK A FRIEND!

ü  Do some tastings

ü  Hire a caterer

Book tables, chairs, linens, serving-ware, anything you may need (or make sure your venue has all of that covered
Order cake/groomscake

ü  Book rehearsal dinner location

ü  Choose ensemble attire (again, other people might call ‘em bridesmaid dresses and tuxes, but we’re going with “upscale techie”)

ü  Figure out flowers

ü  Order invitations

ü  Get hotel rooms blocked / hopefully with event discount!

ü  Contact venue to confirm timeline for day of rental

ü  Buy wedding bands

Start planning for honeymoon – making sure passports are up to date, that sort of thing…

2 Months Ahead

ü  Select and send invitations

      Draft service and program (including ensemble roles)

€       Meet with a financial planner to sort out financial plans/any merging

€       Meet with an insurance dude to figure out life insurance, discounts for auto, any policies and/or paperwork you need to plan on updating

€       Order wedding favors

€       Order Ketubah (if you’re getting married under a chuppah)

€       Send shot list / requests to photographers

€       Decorations meeting 

€       Have a tech meeting to go over set-up, sound system, etc.

1 Month Ahead

€       Arrange for time off work (wedding, at least; mini-moon/honeymoon?!)

€       Book hotel room for nights surrounding wedding, as needed (consult with family)

€       Purchase or procure accessories like guest book, aisle runner, etc.

€       Make appointment with stylist; do a test run of hair/makeup

€       Buy gifts for ensemble

ü  Get marriage license (30 days out) + any other tests or documents required by the state

€       Buy / create Jewish wedding kit (wine, glasses, glass for breaking, easel for Ketubah)

€       Harass anyone who hasn’t RSVP’d
     Send evite for rehearsal dinner

€       Finalize number of attendees and share info with rental folks, catering, etc.

2 Weeks Ahead

€       Check in with all vendors (caterer, photographer, videographer, entertainment, venue)

€       Plan seating arrangements, if you’re doing that (FYI, we’re not)

€       Test run with chuppah set-up

€       Finalize and print programs

€       Create cue list (order of how everything will go in the venue – service, cocktails, food…)

1 Week Ahead

€       Grocery shopping: put together an awesome snack basket for the ensemble

€       Mani and pedi (me)

€       Haircut (he)

€       Pack car with everything needed (that deserves its own list: dress, snacks, party favors, ketubah, wedding kit, toiletries, rings, license… yeah, seriously, make a separate list)

Day of the Show, Y’All

€       Evening before: Rehearsal

€       Evening before: Rehearsal dinner

€       Morning of: EAT FREAKIN’ BREAKFAST

€       Set up at venue with ensemble

€       Hair, makeup, costumes

€       Make sure stage managers have cue list

€       Eat, drink, and be married.

The good news is, two months out, while I am still behind... I'm not nearly as far behind as I was when I was three months out... it was frankly far too embarrassing at that point to share this list. Making progress, y'all.

*Yes. ANY EXCUSE FOR THAT GIF.

Brought To You By The Letter W

Sorry for the delay in updates. It's been a big week. I have a few half-started posts that I *will* finish and share in the coming days.

(Mary Poppins said "Well begun is half done," but I think she may have been taking a few extra spoonfuls of sugar or rum punch with that optimistic assessment.)

In the meantime, time has become exceptionally weird: What with the fiance gone and the wedding looming, I simultaneously want time to hurry the bleep up and slow the bleep down. Instead, I am going to trust that time is moving at precisely the speed at which it is meant to travel. I will try to take each day as it comes, and at the end of each day, hopefully have a satisfactory answer for each of the following questions:

Did I write today?
Did I work today?
Did I work out today?
Did I do some wedding prep/planning today?
Did I drink enough water and eat well today (okay, the second "w" is a stretch here, but whaddaya want)?

If I can focus on these five Daily Ws, I think I'll make it.

Of course, I also need to pack and sell household items, and talk/Skype/chat daily with D... so if y'all can think of ways to make those activities start with a W, awesome. Otherwise, oh well. I'm probably not going to stay inside the lines much in the coming weeks...

91 Days to Go: Am I A Boring Bride?

FIRST OFF: Deep sigh of relief, y'all. Finally heard back from the venue yesterday, end of day. We have a place to get married. Whew.

SECOND: Tomorrow is going to be a big day for #TheList. I may even share an original, hard-forged resource that may be of use to other off-season and/or no-muss- no-fuss-brides.

THIRD: I'm afraid I might not be a terribly interesting bride. I mean, I'm a pretty interesting person-- and as it happens, this past week has been a terribly interesting week. (Roller coaster of good, bad, and WTF?!)

But, like - most of it isn't bridal.

In fact, on a day to day basis, I don't talk, do, or even think very much about the upcoming wedding. Seeing as it's three months away, that seems a bit:

A) Bizarre - because most brides seem way, way more obsessive about all things bridal, and then there's me. After trying dresses on at a friend's house two weeks ago, I forgot about them and left them there. They're still there, including the one that we decided is, in fact, THE ONE. Oops.

B) Problematic - because, um, there's stuff that I/we really do need to be doing.

C) Boring - for generating blog content here, anyway.

I guess the upside is due to B, offset by A, C may well soon stop being an issue... more soon.

Happy Thanksgiving / 100 DAYS

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Chanukah!

ALSO IT'S ONLY 100 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING.

What. The. WHAT.

11/12/13

Today is the fiancé's birthday. His magical birthday, no less: 11/12/13. I told him that must mean that the year ahead is going to be his best one yet.

In addition to his birthday, with all the buzz around 11/12/13 today, I have numbers on my mind (and trust me when I say, I'm not really a numbers-kinda-girl). Here are some of the numbers delighting or frightening me:


Yeah, I'm seriously marrying him.
Why do you ask?

116: Days until our wedding. I think I need to do a 100 Days Until... Countdown. Any thoughts?

4: Days since I've done anything even remotely wedding-related.

2: Number of wedding dresses I own, since I managed to successfully sell one! (I know. #offproblems)

5,000: Number of guests who show up at the wedding nightmare I've started having, where there are not enough seats and I have zero dresses (because now I sold three?!) and no food and the groom isn't speaking to me and there are seven tornadoes on the horizon... it's a bad dream.

180: Number of miles, round-trip, we're going to drive tonight to see a stand-up comedian. It's the fiancé's birthday and this is something he wanted to do. So we're rock-starring it on a Tuesday. That's love.

27,031: Number of words I've written for my NaNoWriMo project. That number will not be increasing tonight, due to the number/reason directly above this one.

1: Number of days late my rent was this month, due to me running out of checks...

55: Number of extra dollars the landlord made me pay in rent, despite NEVER HAVING BEEN LATE BEFORE IN 3 YEARS (other than general numbers/money stress, this number and the last one have zero to do with bridal anything, but I just needed to vent, thanks)

0: Number of additional minutes/hours I feel like I have in my life right now to get anything done in a timely manner... I should probably start by ordering some checks. Getting back to work. Driving 180 miles tonight. Then maybe, maybe doing something wedding-related tomorrow... did I mention next week we're going to someone else's wedding in New Orleans, and a few days after that we start the 16-hour-each-way-road-trip-to-Michigan for Thanksgiving?

But absolutely, the number one thing keeping me same?

That guy in the donut cat shirt. Happy birthday, babe.

"Wedding Magic" is a Thing, Right?

Dear Karma, take note: I expect the day itself
to go well and be 100% free of dogs peeing on me.

It's one of those weeks where it's feeling like this wedding just might not happen.

No, no, there's no drama going on with D and me (sorry, as I know that'd make for a more salacious post). It's not the marriage that is being threatened. It's the universe refusing to play nice on this whole already-a-hassle logistics phase of planning a major event.

To wit:

- Out of the six caterers and bakers I have reached out to thus far, only two have called me back. One to say that they're taking a company vacation the week of our wedding. I have already pretty much decided to work with a baker I like here, and risk transporting the goods a couple hundred miles away. That IS an option for the cake course, but would be harder to pull off for the dinner... CALL ME BACK, CATERERS.

- We ordered Save the Dates a month ago... which still haven't arrived in anyone's mailboxes. The fiance has been quite diligent about calling and hounding the mailing service. They keep pushing back the delivery date: "Oh, well, because of the package you picked, it takes up to 12 business days." After twelve days: "Oh, actually, that package can take up to 22 business days." What. The. AITCH. They're also really awesome save the dates, and I'm afraid some Buzzfeed addict found them and is gonna Photoshop out our faces and use them as their own...

- Also, looking at the big picture: according to all but one of the dozen or so planning timelines I've glanced at, I am approximately one year behind in my wedding planning. The one that says I'm only about a month behind has been printed out, highlighted, and tossed into my car for frequent, crumpled reference. The eleven others claiming I'm a year behind have been cursed and given the stink-eye.

But, um, weddings are like theater, right? I just keep thinking about that breaking point in the rehearsal process. You know, that night where everyone is supposed to be off book but no one knows their lines, and the set's not built, and no one is buying tickets and the costumes aren't done and you're beginning to fear that this show is doomed and you're going to wind up with a bunch of naked actors on a bare stage fumbling the text to a nearly empty house. You're having the actor's nightmare every time you close your eyes. It's all gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Then, suddenly, it all comes together. The stars align, the set goes up, the actors get their act together, and you have a show. We call it "theater magic."

So, like - "wedding magic" is a thing, right?

Meet the WSMs. (Or: Planning. Partying. Pantsless - Wait, What?!)

A lot of folks planning a wedding decide to leave the actual nuts-and-bolts "planning the wedding" part in the capable hands of someone called, aptly enough, a Wedding Planner. We don't have a Wedding Planner. But we have something even better.

As theater people, we are absolutely aware as to who really knows how to run a show, be the calm in the eye of the storm, and make sure silly actors are where they are supposed to be right when they're supposed to be there.

That's why we have secured not one but two Wedding Stage Managers.

WSM Sandwich.
(More on where this was taken momentarily. Get ready.)

Scott and Diana are co-WSM'ing this wedding, and thank goodness for that. They balance each other well, and spending this weekend doing some focused planning with them, including a visit to the venue, solidified the wisdom of this WSM selection. They are united but not unanimous in their visions, often offering two often totally-different perspectives and ideas, then agreeing on whichever one (or fusion of the seven) makes the most sense.

Also, they are hilarious, and smart, and not afraid to kick butt when necessary. Be warned, y'all.

This weekend, the fiancé was busy with a benefit performance - conveniently taking place about a mile from the wedding venue. So the WSMs decided a road trip was in order, and an otherwise potentially-unproductive weekend for me was transformed into an epic road trip, featuring Three Ps:

Planning.

Partying.

And a total stranger getting Pantsless.

Here is the nutshell version: We hit the road Saturday morning, stopping for lunch along the way, learning some fun new catchphrases (the weekend's big winner "heinous crotches," a line from the play Diana is currently directing) and arrived that afternoon at the venue. Thus began the Planning portion of the trip. We assured the front desk girl we weren't weirdos, wandering around taking pictures, measuring things out with our feet, and sketching out potential seating arrangements. Then we proceeded to be weirdos, wandering around taking pictures, measuring things out with our feet, and sketching out potential seating arrangements.

Sadly meh cupcakes.

From there, we segued from Planning to Partying with some sugar (like you do, when no alcohol is readily available and/or you have to drive), picking up some cupcake samples from a local bakery. Other than getting these cupcakes (overall assessment: good not great, icing was yummy but cake was dry), it was a major strikeout on the cake front. One bakery we liked is closed the week of the wedding. Another's prices were astronomical. Two others went out of business recently, and three more didn't return my call.

ANYWAY. We stopped in for a quick visit with the MOG and FOG, grabbed some dinner, went to the benefit show, and went to the cast party afterwards.

But before the cast party Partying portion of the evening, there was the unexpected and unforgettable Pantsless incident.

After the show, the fiancé had to take pictures and help with strike. So, naturally, we found the nearest bar so we could have a drink and hang out until he was free. The nearest bar had no clear signage, other than the all-important one which read OPEN. We dubbed it The Open Bar* and while it was a little dark and had kind of a stabby vibe, the drinks were cheap and the bartender was flirty and we all felt good about it pretty quickly.

Other patrons were feeling even better, apparently. This became shockingly clear about half an hour after our arrival. Scott, who was seated opposite Diana and myself, suddenly changed his expression, clearly seeing something of note. He stage-whispered with urgency:

"That man. At the bar. Just took off ALL OF HIS PANTS."

Trying not to all look at once, we all looked at once. Sure enough, dude at the bar had dropped his pants and his underpants to the nasty floor, and was looking expectantly at the bartender, who was looking anywhere but at Pantsless Man. The photo of the three of us grinning above was taken shortly thereafter, because we knew we needed to preserve and document the moment... but didn't want to take pictures of actual pantsless strangers.

This is what wedding plan looks like for everyone, right?

Special thanks to the MOG  & FOG for hosting the extra houseguests this weekend. And Pantsless dude for making it all the more memorable a planning weekend.

*PS We are totally going to open an establishment called The Open Bar. As soon as we get through this wedding thing.

Getting Engaged Makes You Rich!

Good news, brides-and-grooms-to-be: Getting engaged makes you rich!

What? You didn't know? Just ask any wedding vendor out there. They're sure of it.

In fact, try this fun experiment. Call a venue, such as a hotel or banquet hall. Tell them you're coordinating an event and you want to book a room. They'll ask you a series of questions - whatever you do, don't tell them that your event is a wedding. Say it's a nice dinner, a family reunion, an anniversary celebration (all of those are not actually outright lies). This is important, otherwise you'll ruin the experiment.

They will give you a quote on a price. Thank them kindly. Then, later that day, have your partner call them back and say they want to book the venue, for a wedding.

They will be give your partner a quote, and the quote will likely be higher. It might even be double. Because, you see, wedding venues know the truth: GETTING ENGAGED MAKES YOU RICH!

Bridal shops know this, too, which is why they charge crazy amounts of money for fabric and sequins. Why shouldn't they? YOU'RE RICH, YOU SILLY GOOSE! GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY!

Caterers know it. Travel agents know it. Interior stores know it. Your mailbox will be full of offers for luxury items you didn't know you needed. BUT OF COURSE YOU NEED IT! YOU NEED IT ALL, NOW THAT YOU ARE RICH AND ENGAGED!

Aren't you glad? It's a pretty sweet bonus. You find the love of your life, and you instantly become millionaires. Life is more than fair. It's a generous sugar-coated angel of amaze-balls. Of course, there's one entity that misses the memo about you suddenly being rolling in the dough.

That'd be your bank.

Your account will pretty much look the same as it always has. Silly slow bankers!

But don't worry. The credit card companies feel very, very confident about your wedding windfall. They'll encourage you to spend away, love birds! Don't complain about the price of cakes or the ridiculousness of wedding toilet paper!*

Shut up! YOU'RE RICH!

(Pseudo-legal disclaimer: Getting engaged does not make you rich, unless, like, you get engaged to a rich person. But you'd never know it from the way the whole freaking wedding industry expects you to start throwing money around. Now you know, so have a little fun with the information. String along some of the evil price gougers, and reward the honest vendors out there with your business. That's our plan, anyway.)

*Just in case you didn't click the link above, I'm putting it here too. This is an actual thing. This is the world we live in.

10 Of The WORST Brides The World Has Ever Seen

Let’s be honest: the only thing people love more than a bride… is hating on brides. “Bridezilla” is a term coined relatively recently (and universally loathed by everyone except truly, truly crazy people whose primary goal in life is to be featured in a TLC show), but there is a long, not-proud history of the terrible bride. I couldn't find any neatly compiled list of them, though. But I knew there were enough out there for a good round-up: From Biblical Bridezillas to Current Event Crazies, the tradition of some individuals losing their proverbial poo as they head toward marriage is pretty startling.

And so, I decided to compile this list. May it serve as a reminder to us all that it’s just not ever okay for anyone to become a meanie or a maniac over this milestone. Also, that if you're starting to feel stressed... don't worry. You'll be okay. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TAKE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AS YOUR ROLE MODELS.

Now! Presenting ten of the worst brides that the world has ever seen:

10. Batsheva (or Bathsheba, or Bathing Baiting Bride), The Biblical Bridezilla.

"Is he looking? Hand me the loofah, let's make it interesting!"

Even in the Bible, we see stories of meanie brides, like Batsheva. She was married to Uriah, but he went off to serve in the king's army, and bored Batsheva decided to put on a naked show for the king, bathing on her rooftop in plain view of the castle. King David was all, "I must have her!" So she was brought to him, and he got her pregnant. Oopsie-baby! 

The king pulled some strings and had Uriah sent to the front line, where he was killed. So then Batsheva was a bride again, this time to the king himself, who probably laid down some strict rules about where she was allowed to take all future baths. 

9. Cleopatra: Pain-in-the-Asp Bride.

Let's not talk about Liz's husbands, either.

This power-hungry Egyptian married one of her younger brothers to keep it in the family ("it" being the power, of course). This little brother's name was Ptolemy XIII. He died, so she married another one of her little brothers, conveniently named Ptolemy XIV. (They really, really liked keeping things in the family.)

That little brother/husband died, too, so she broke the "different kind of sister-wife" mold and married Mark Anthony of Rome, while also having a thing with Caesar. You kind of have to give her props for wielding so much power in that era. But as a bride, given her short temper and demanding demeanor, my guess is she was a tad bit high-maintenance.

Also, totally a Black Widow Bride. Husband #3 Mark Anthony died, too, at which point Cleopatra said "eff this," and let an asp bite her to death.

8. Elizabeth Bathory, A FREAKING VAMPIRE.

I AM NOT FRIDA KAHLO, jerk.

As bad brides go, Elizabeth Bathory, a famous vampire later known as the Blood Countess, is pretty hard to beat. Despite being highly educated for her time and of royal birth, no one really wanted to marry her because she was prone to seizures that were accompanied by fits of rage and total loss of control, possibly caused by inbreeding-related epilepsy. Hot!

The stress of a wedding probably didn't help with the fits of crazy. She was betrothed by age 11 to a Duke, but then got knocked up by a peasant while awaiting her wedding day. She gave up the baby, married the Duke, and by all accounts settled down some, post-wedding, for awhile. She was an "excellent mother" and good wife to her husband, though she cheated on him when he wasn't around.

And then after he died she started hiring and killing servant girls and bathing in their blood, hence "Blood Countess." So, yeah - technically makes her an even more terrible widow than she was a terrible bride, but I was willing to make the stretch because including a vampire in this list makes it sexier, right?

7. The Stinky Brides of the 1500s.

Originally called a "B.O.-quet"

Okay, so this isn't a singular "bad bride." But in attempting to research bad brides in history, I came across this fun fact: Traditionally, people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and thus brides believed they still smelled pretty good come June. Just in case, they carried flowers to mask any ripe odor. Because ya gotta keep it classy, see?

Ah, the glorious origin of wedding bouquets! Stinky brides of the 16th century, florists everywhere thank you for your contribution to the modern wedding! 

6. Also, While We're On Groups Instead of Individuals: Renaissance Brides.

Mostly because they still inspire elaborate Renaissance Festival Weddings today. May not be their fault. But let's blame them. Oh, and no offense to folks who want to have an elaborate Renaissance Festival Wedding, and I hope it goes well. But we're emphasizing more egalitarianism today, right? Right?

(P.S. My prejudice against Renaissance Festival Weddings may well stem from the fact that I spent a summer working in a petting zoo at a Renaissance Festival, and it was one of the worst gigs ever. If I heard "Huzzah! There's a wench in the petting zoo, let's pet HER!" one more time...)

Ahem. I digress. Back to cataloging terrible brides throughout history.

5. Marie Antoinette: All Cake & No Consummation.

"Let them eat wedding cake."

You kinda have to feel bad for Marie Antoinette: Bad rap post-wedding, and hefty family crap leading up to her wedding. (I.e. Siblings dying of smallpox, leaving her next in line to be married at age 12; bad teeth requiring 3 months of excruciating 18th century dental torture before she was deemed to have a straight enough smile to rule, and then at her wedding, her brother stood in as the groom since the cousin she was actually marrying couldn't be there - for real, y'all). But she was also famously shallow, high-maintenance and dismissive of the lower classes, and she didn't consummate on her wedding night, which led her and her cousin-husband to be a source of ridicule for years, because reality TV didn't exist yet. 

Actually, come to think of it, did historians maybe mix up Marie Antoinette's story with a more recent story of some backwoods meth cooking girl who may have appeared as an extra in Winter's Bone? Either way: not a nice bride.

4. One More Creepy Macabre Bride: Serial Killer Belle Gunness.

"So tired of posing for wedding pictures.
Can't I kill the groom already?" - Belle G.

Why does this serial killer make the Bad Bride list? Because in addition to being generally bad (um, Belle Gunness was a horrific serial killer, folks), she mostly selected her victims through dating and marriage. The six-foot-tall Norwegian immigrant was thought to be responsible for more than 40 murders, primarily of her husbands, boyfriends, and suitors. And also her own children. Making her a bad bride, bad girlfriend, bad wife, bad mother, and worst blind date ever. She cashed in on tons of insurance policies and was never apprehended.

Belle G. was born in 1859, so she's probably dead now, but if you get set up on a blind date with a towering, filthy-rich old Norwegian lady, RUN.

Moving into the Modern Era for the Final Three...

(Which can also focus more on wedding/bridal behavior, since we live in an overly-documented era now)

3. Anyone Who Has Ever Appeared On The Show Bridezillas.

Enough said.

(Note to anyone who appeared on the show: you signed away your right to be offended by a remark like this when you signed the dotted line agreeing to star in the show whose very title indicates they're not hiding their intended portrayal of you, like, at all.)

(At. All.)

2. Laura, The Gift-Basket Get-A-GRIP-Bride.

I believe that marriage should not be reserved for straight people alone. We also all know that tacky is not reserved for straight people alone, as this next Terrible Bride will illustrate. This story went viral last year: two brides tied the knot, and one guest and his girlfriend strayed from the registry list/just-give-cash option, and sent a large gift basket… which kicked off a large and ultimately public fight. This is because one of the brides, a lass called Laura, LOST HER DAMN MIND about it (and her new wife seemed to agree with her - or at least, didn't say "Hey, babe? You've crossed into crazy town, DO NOT SEND THAT EMAIL!").

In this case, twice the bride =
twice the tacky. C'mon, ladies!

Here’s one excerpt from the long exchange, wherein Laura chastises the guest for giving her and her wife a gift basket and schools him on why it was so, so wrong [all sic follows]:

“Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue. To be exact the plates were $97 a person... But thanks again for the $30 gift basket my wife can't even eat. If anything you should be embarrassed for being so cheap and embarrassing yourself walking in with a gift basket probably re gifted cheap ass. Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!!”

Um, girl. Maybe if the other 209 of your friends are as nuts as you, the gift basket guest was “the talk and laugh of the whole wedding”… but probably, you were. (Also, ‘weddings are to make money for your future’? Really? And to me, the most bizarre thing here is the fact that this guest ATE A BEAUTIFUL VENUE – did no one else notice that?!)

1. “Mike’s Wife,” AKA The Bride Who Makes Laura Look Less Terrible

This story broke shortly after the one above, and in my personal opinion, it’s even worse: the anonymous bride who wrote Tanya regarding the insufficiency of Tanya’s gift. Here’s Tanya’s note, along with the charming message she received from this terrible bride (she reveals the groom’s name to be Mike, hence, calling her “Mike’s Wife” – YOU SIGNED ON FOR THIS, MIKEY):

(Text/image as shared in articles on Huffington Post - and, like, lots of others)

I was just speechless when I saw this story. I was appalled at the assumptions, the attitude, the flat-out-condescending crassness of it all. I was forced to wonder if shockingly poor grammar and shockingly-rude-bridal-syndrome must always go hand in hand. But mostly? I just feel really, really bad for Mike. Unless he’s a Terrible Groom, of course, and both of these charmers got what they deserve in one another. Seriously: ugh.

So there you have it. Ten terrible brides who serve as an example for any of us planning a wedding: if you're anything like any of them, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. And, if rather than going off the deep end and being mean to guests or your future husband/wife/partner, you're focusing on the joy and commitment and community of this whole fiasco, you're probably doing it right, so cut yourself some slack.

In closing, I suggest we all follow these three simple rules: Be reasonable, be kind, and don’t kill anyone.

(Side note - I think I need to write a monologue show about these ladies... yay, random self-assigned research ultimately double-counting for this post and then maybe an after-the-wedding recovery project!)

Cheers!