After: An Unexpected Something Blue

The wedding was awesome. AWESOME. Gorgeous and joyful and amazing...

... and hilarious. In several unintended ways.

What do I mean? Well. Prepare for some over-sharing, if you really want to know.

Since "a pop of T.A.R.D.I.S. blue" was our color scheme for the wedding, we ordered Red Velvet Cupcakes from our favorite bakery - but requested they be dyed blue, rather than red. Cool, right? And with all that cream cheese frosting, they were delicious, and devoured by many. That night, we giggled and stuck out blue tongues at one another.

Then things got interesting.

The first text we received regarding the Cupcake Aftermath was from one of D's groomsmen, Don. It read:

Those Dr. Who cupcakes animated the effluence. My poo is blue, sir.

That was the first message we received regarding The Blue Poo Epidemic, but not the last.

Hey, one more communal experience, right?

Something old, something new, something borrowed... and an unexpected something blue.

Yep. Something like that would definitely happen to us, and bring much merriment to our friends. I've never heard so much about other people's shades of poo as I have these past two days. I promise to share more mushy sweet stories from yesterday at some point.* It really was an absolutely beyond-words-wonderful day. I swear.

Followed by blue poo.

*What a terrible first choice of words...

45 Days To Go: My Hot Single Life

I know you've been wondering: just how unbelievably, mind-boggling-ly exciting is Beth's off-season bachelorette life? Have I been loving it, and as Jenna Maroney would encourage, loving myself?

After all, the fiancé moved several states away recently due to getting a new job. You might think that is a case of poor timing (who wants a two month separation and a cross-country move thrown in the path of an already-overwhelming wedding?) but heyyyyyyyyyyy!

It also means being spun back out onto the dance floor SOLO for the last several weeks before I'm always in a partnered dance! Yes, darlings! I've been Living Single for the past three weeks, and tonight, I decided to share some insights into my hot, hot single life.

Read on, if you dare.

Craigslist Hookups. Oh, yeah, baby. I took some pictures. Made some posts, choosing words designed to entice. And started setting up rendezvous with random strangers from Craigslist... who are interested in purchasing used furniture and kitchen gear.

Flashin' Cold Hard Cash. Ooooh, it always feels exciting when you're walking around with wads of cash, doesn't it? Like you're about to go do something you really shouldn't. Orrrrrr like maybe you're trying to pay for most things in cash to be all budget-savvy during an expensive-event time of life. But imagine what you will!

Gettin' Sweaty. (I've been good about going to the gym.)

I think this hep cat is drunk. Better take his keys!
(I sit on the couch  run with a risque crowd.)

Gettin' Dirty. Shhhhh. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I've been feeling a lot dirtier lately. That is because I'm now the single solitary human in charge of taking out the garbage, cleaning up all messes, and cleaning the stinking kitty litter...

Animal House Partying. Okay, the jig is up: by this I literally mean I spend a lot time at the house, with animals.

Sensational Social Scene. Sincerely, I've been pretty good about alternating my nights between two separate yet equally important activities (man, that sounded awfully Law & Order): 1) Staying home and either getting things done as far as writing, wedding planning, and packing OR freaking out about what I'm not getting done as far as writing, wedding planning, and packing - AND 2) Spending quality time with the wonderful friends who are keeping me sane and smiling. Who needs dates when you have framily?*

I appreciate independence. I'll always value some solo time, especially quiet writing time. And I do plan to enjoy some more friend bonding, pet-snuggling, and so on... but overall? I think I'm officially over the single thing. It comes with a far colder home and way, way more dirty kitty litter than I remember.

*"Framily" = friends who are family - credit for the word-mash-up on that one goes to my mother. Hi, Mom! 

Save The Day(te)

So yeah, we had a little fun with our save the date card (which has finally started landing in mailboxes, after several weeks' delay):



Sorry, crashers, we took out the super-specific details because our venue just isn't all that big. But it does have lots of convenient little nooks for going from secret identity to super-suited-up, BAM! in a flash.

P.S. You can tell who knows me well and who doesn't when someone asks the question: "How did he talk her into this?!" If you don't know that this concept not only required zero arm-twisting but was also a 100% collaborative effort, we obviously haven't spent any time together...

10 Of The WORST Brides The World Has Ever Seen

Let’s be honest: the only thing people love more than a bride… is hating on brides. “Bridezilla” is a term coined relatively recently (and universally loathed by everyone except truly, truly crazy people whose primary goal in life is to be featured in a TLC show), but there is a long, not-proud history of the terrible bride. I couldn't find any neatly compiled list of them, though. But I knew there were enough out there for a good round-up: From Biblical Bridezillas to Current Event Crazies, the tradition of some individuals losing their proverbial poo as they head toward marriage is pretty startling.

And so, I decided to compile this list. May it serve as a reminder to us all that it’s just not ever okay for anyone to become a meanie or a maniac over this milestone. Also, that if you're starting to feel stressed... don't worry. You'll be okay. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TAKE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AS YOUR ROLE MODELS.

Now! Presenting ten of the worst brides that the world has ever seen:

10. Batsheva (or Bathsheba, or Bathing Baiting Bride), The Biblical Bridezilla.

"Is he looking? Hand me the loofah, let's make it interesting!"

Even in the Bible, we see stories of meanie brides, like Batsheva. She was married to Uriah, but he went off to serve in the king's army, and bored Batsheva decided to put on a naked show for the king, bathing on her rooftop in plain view of the castle. King David was all, "I must have her!" So she was brought to him, and he got her pregnant. Oopsie-baby! 

The king pulled some strings and had Uriah sent to the front line, where he was killed. So then Batsheva was a bride again, this time to the king himself, who probably laid down some strict rules about where she was allowed to take all future baths. 

9. Cleopatra: Pain-in-the-Asp Bride.

Let's not talk about Liz's husbands, either.

This power-hungry Egyptian married one of her younger brothers to keep it in the family ("it" being the power, of course). This little brother's name was Ptolemy XIII. He died, so she married another one of her little brothers, conveniently named Ptolemy XIV. (They really, really liked keeping things in the family.)

That little brother/husband died, too, so she broke the "different kind of sister-wife" mold and married Mark Anthony of Rome, while also having a thing with Caesar. You kind of have to give her props for wielding so much power in that era. But as a bride, given her short temper and demanding demeanor, my guess is she was a tad bit high-maintenance.

Also, totally a Black Widow Bride. Husband #3 Mark Anthony died, too, at which point Cleopatra said "eff this," and let an asp bite her to death.

8. Elizabeth Bathory, A FREAKING VAMPIRE.

I AM NOT FRIDA KAHLO, jerk.

As bad brides go, Elizabeth Bathory, a famous vampire later known as the Blood Countess, is pretty hard to beat. Despite being highly educated for her time and of royal birth, no one really wanted to marry her because she was prone to seizures that were accompanied by fits of rage and total loss of control, possibly caused by inbreeding-related epilepsy. Hot!

The stress of a wedding probably didn't help with the fits of crazy. She was betrothed by age 11 to a Duke, but then got knocked up by a peasant while awaiting her wedding day. She gave up the baby, married the Duke, and by all accounts settled down some, post-wedding, for awhile. She was an "excellent mother" and good wife to her husband, though she cheated on him when he wasn't around.

And then after he died she started hiring and killing servant girls and bathing in their blood, hence "Blood Countess." So, yeah - technically makes her an even more terrible widow than she was a terrible bride, but I was willing to make the stretch because including a vampire in this list makes it sexier, right?

7. The Stinky Brides of the 1500s.

Originally called a "B.O.-quet"

Okay, so this isn't a singular "bad bride." But in attempting to research bad brides in history, I came across this fun fact: Traditionally, people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and thus brides believed they still smelled pretty good come June. Just in case, they carried flowers to mask any ripe odor. Because ya gotta keep it classy, see?

Ah, the glorious origin of wedding bouquets! Stinky brides of the 16th century, florists everywhere thank you for your contribution to the modern wedding! 

6. Also, While We're On Groups Instead of Individuals: Renaissance Brides.

Mostly because they still inspire elaborate Renaissance Festival Weddings today. May not be their fault. But let's blame them. Oh, and no offense to folks who want to have an elaborate Renaissance Festival Wedding, and I hope it goes well. But we're emphasizing more egalitarianism today, right? Right?

(P.S. My prejudice against Renaissance Festival Weddings may well stem from the fact that I spent a summer working in a petting zoo at a Renaissance Festival, and it was one of the worst gigs ever. If I heard "Huzzah! There's a wench in the petting zoo, let's pet HER!" one more time...)

Ahem. I digress. Back to cataloging terrible brides throughout history.

5. Marie Antoinette: All Cake & No Consummation.

"Let them eat wedding cake."

You kinda have to feel bad for Marie Antoinette: Bad rap post-wedding, and hefty family crap leading up to her wedding. (I.e. Siblings dying of smallpox, leaving her next in line to be married at age 12; bad teeth requiring 3 months of excruciating 18th century dental torture before she was deemed to have a straight enough smile to rule, and then at her wedding, her brother stood in as the groom since the cousin she was actually marrying couldn't be there - for real, y'all). But she was also famously shallow, high-maintenance and dismissive of the lower classes, and she didn't consummate on her wedding night, which led her and her cousin-husband to be a source of ridicule for years, because reality TV didn't exist yet. 

Actually, come to think of it, did historians maybe mix up Marie Antoinette's story with a more recent story of some backwoods meth cooking girl who may have appeared as an extra in Winter's Bone? Either way: not a nice bride.

4. One More Creepy Macabre Bride: Serial Killer Belle Gunness.

"So tired of posing for wedding pictures.
Can't I kill the groom already?" - Belle G.

Why does this serial killer make the Bad Bride list? Because in addition to being generally bad (um, Belle Gunness was a horrific serial killer, folks), she mostly selected her victims through dating and marriage. The six-foot-tall Norwegian immigrant was thought to be responsible for more than 40 murders, primarily of her husbands, boyfriends, and suitors. And also her own children. Making her a bad bride, bad girlfriend, bad wife, bad mother, and worst blind date ever. She cashed in on tons of insurance policies and was never apprehended.

Belle G. was born in 1859, so she's probably dead now, but if you get set up on a blind date with a towering, filthy-rich old Norwegian lady, RUN.

Moving into the Modern Era for the Final Three...

(Which can also focus more on wedding/bridal behavior, since we live in an overly-documented era now)

3. Anyone Who Has Ever Appeared On The Show Bridezillas.

Enough said.

(Note to anyone who appeared on the show: you signed away your right to be offended by a remark like this when you signed the dotted line agreeing to star in the show whose very title indicates they're not hiding their intended portrayal of you, like, at all.)

(At. All.)

2. Laura, The Gift-Basket Get-A-GRIP-Bride.

I believe that marriage should not be reserved for straight people alone. We also all know that tacky is not reserved for straight people alone, as this next Terrible Bride will illustrate. This story went viral last year: two brides tied the knot, and one guest and his girlfriend strayed from the registry list/just-give-cash option, and sent a large gift basket… which kicked off a large and ultimately public fight. This is because one of the brides, a lass called Laura, LOST HER DAMN MIND about it (and her new wife seemed to agree with her - or at least, didn't say "Hey, babe? You've crossed into crazy town, DO NOT SEND THAT EMAIL!").

In this case, twice the bride =
twice the tacky. C'mon, ladies!

Here’s one excerpt from the long exchange, wherein Laura chastises the guest for giving her and her wife a gift basket and schools him on why it was so, so wrong [all sic follows]:

“Weddings are to make money for your future.. Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven't gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue. To be exact the plates were $97 a person... But thanks again for the $30 gift basket my wife can't even eat. If anything you should be embarrassed for being so cheap and embarrassing yourself walking in with a gift basket probably re gifted cheap ass. Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!!”

Um, girl. Maybe if the other 209 of your friends are as nuts as you, the gift basket guest was “the talk and laugh of the whole wedding”… but probably, you were. (Also, ‘weddings are to make money for your future’? Really? And to me, the most bizarre thing here is the fact that this guest ATE A BEAUTIFUL VENUE – did no one else notice that?!)

1. “Mike’s Wife,” AKA The Bride Who Makes Laura Look Less Terrible

This story broke shortly after the one above, and in my personal opinion, it’s even worse: the anonymous bride who wrote Tanya regarding the insufficiency of Tanya’s gift. Here’s Tanya’s note, along with the charming message she received from this terrible bride (she reveals the groom’s name to be Mike, hence, calling her “Mike’s Wife” – YOU SIGNED ON FOR THIS, MIKEY):

(Text/image as shared in articles on Huffington Post - and, like, lots of others)

I was just speechless when I saw this story. I was appalled at the assumptions, the attitude, the flat-out-condescending crassness of it all. I was forced to wonder if shockingly poor grammar and shockingly-rude-bridal-syndrome must always go hand in hand. But mostly? I just feel really, really bad for Mike. Unless he’s a Terrible Groom, of course, and both of these charmers got what they deserve in one another. Seriously: ugh.

So there you have it. Ten terrible brides who serve as an example for any of us planning a wedding: if you're anything like any of them, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. And, if rather than going off the deep end and being mean to guests or your future husband/wife/partner, you're focusing on the joy and commitment and community of this whole fiasco, you're probably doing it right, so cut yourself some slack.

In closing, I suggest we all follow these three simple rules: Be reasonable, be kind, and don’t kill anyone.

(Side note - I think I need to write a monologue show about these ladies... yay, random self-assigned research ultimately double-counting for this post and then maybe an after-the-wedding recovery project!)

Cheers!

A Visit from The MOB

This past week, I had a visit from the MOB.

The MOB.

Don't worry - I'm referring, of course, to my mama, not the mafia. Which reminds me: I put together the Off Season Acronym Glossary (TCOSAG, natch), which will probably continue to grow. So anytime the alphabet-soup gets confusing over here, head over there.

Even with the help of fun acronyms, I don't even really have the words to describe how grateful I feel at this time of my life - at least, when I'm paying attention, like right now. I ran out of fingers and toes with which to count my blessings quite some time ago. This week, in particular, with my mom in town, The Fiance busy but around whenever he could be, a local production of one of my plays selling out here (The Show being part of the reason for this trip's timing, along with some early-stage W-Word planning)-- I just have a lot for which to be thankful, and I need to remember that. 

Especially when I'm sniffle-y about my mother being a thousand miles away again, and not seeing my dad, and feeling exhausted and slightly overwhelmed by how much is on my plate at the moment, I need to remember: I have it really freakin' good right now. These are the good days, and I want to savor them.

So without further ado, though this post can't do the week justice, here are some fun pictures and stories from my week with the MOB, day by day. Incidentally, this packed itinerary should also help explain why I've fallen behind on the blog. Totally justified.

THURSDAY NIGHT - ARRIVAL & SHOW OPENING

The MOB arrived. We celebrated with some wine and cheese at the house, along with some chips she had brought (an inside joke recently established). The MOB and I dashed over to the theater to work the box office for The Show, greeting audience members and then watching a great opening night performance. We went out to the pub after the show to celebrate with some food, drink, and theater-storytelling.

FRIDAY - WRITING DAY

Beautiful Bloody Mary.

We got up, took the pups for a walk, then headed to Coffee Shop #1, and commenced caffeinating ourselves while writing and working (like mother, like daughter). We took a brief break for lunch with The Fiance's coworkers, who also happen to be my former coworkers, so those rendezvous are always a good time. From there, we went to Coffee Shop #2 to get the rest of the work/writing for the day done... and may have squeezed in some W-Word shop talk, too. Then it was time to head home, grab a bite, and head back to the theater, where the MOG and FOG were also awaiting - they had driven in for a weekend mini-visit to see the show. Friday night's performance was even better than opening night. Post-show, following a quick interview with a reporter, we decided to head home rather than go out on the town this time. Instead, I introduced MOB to The Walking Dead. Sorry, FOB... she's coming home addicted.

SATURDAY - ACRONYM BRUNCH, DRESSES, & MAI TAIS 

MOB IN THE BACKGROUND!

After starting another day with a pup-walk, we had what I'll call the Acronym Brunch: breakfast food and Bloody Marys with the MOB, MOG, and FOG. We were able to recap the show, talk a little W-word, and fix our own fabulous Bloody Marys at the 101 ingredient bottomless Bloody Mary Bar. What could be better? Then the MOG&FOG had to hit the road, the Fiance had to head to rehearsal, and MOB & I went to grab my friend Diana..

...so I could then screw up my courage and try on a few DRESSES. Aaaaaaaiiiieeee! That will warrant its own post. (Here's one picture to tide you over for now. No, this is not THE dress, but it's pretty, right?)

We dress-ed, and then we had some Mai Tais and variations on Mai Tais. Then, though there was another performance that night, I said we didn't have to go (the cast, full of favorite friends, had informed me that it scared the crap out of them when I was in the audience). "Well, if you don't want to scare the crap out of them," the MOB said simply, "We'll wear wigs."

So we did. Which probably did scare the crap out of some people. But ya gotta give the woman points for style. We saw the show AND went out for cast/crew dinner post-show... in wigs. Yep.

I didn't come from nowhere, people.

SUNDAY - SHELTERS, SHARING, SHOPPING
Sunday we had the smallest bit of blessed downtime, so we all sat around on couches reading for awhile (bliss!), then I made us a big breakfast, we lounged a little more and watched some Orange Is The New Black (DON'T EVER GO TO PRISON, y'all), then headed to the city shelter to bathe and tend to some pups. From there, we came home and re-hydrated, then the Fiance stayed in while the MOB and I headed out for some shopping and secret-sharing. I can't tell you the secrets, but I can tell you this: we are both really, really, really bad at shopping. Specifically, we are bad at letting salespeople help us. When salespeople get aggressive, we bail. We went to several clothing stores, bought nothing, then went to Fresh Market and bought a lot of groceries. We are very good at grocery shopping. And making dinner. And talking. Take that, salespeople.

MONDAY - TAKIN' WHAT THEY'RE GIVIN'... & A COMEDY SHOW
Monday, the MOB got to stay at home with the pets while the workweek beckoned for a bit. But I picked the MOB up at lunch, we had some Mexican for lunch (her request - true story: the FOB ate too much Tex-Mex when we road-tripped to Arizona when I was in high school, and claimed he'd eaten so much he never wanted to eat Mexican again; that was in 1995, and he's sticking to his guns on this one), then worked side-by-side for the afternoon before taking the pups for a walk, then grabbing dinner and heading downtown to see some friends in an improvisational comedy show. Mostly what we remember about this is how FREAKING HOT it was in the venue. Seriously. Freaking. Hot.

TUESDAY - THE LAST DAY (THERE MAY HAVE BEEN TEARS)
I tried to get the must-do work done as quickly as possible, so the MOB and I could enjoy lunch with the Fiance (Indian, this time, per the MOB's request - she has good taste). Then we had some coffee, and buckled down and got some W-Word stuff done, including putting together a spreadsheet for the guest list, and talking some turkey about structure of the weekend and such. We made a brief appearance at a friend's farewell party, and tried to go to a cool new bar, but it was too crowded.

Our writer-nails

So then, since D had rehearsal and it was our last night of the visit, we had a truly glorious girl's night in. We had some wine. We painted our nails and embellished them with newsprint to make epic writer nails. We had some cheesecake for National Cheesecake Day. We watched some more of The Walking Dead. We talked. I mean, come on - wine and cheese(cake), girly-talking and nail-painting, and zombies: best mother-daughter night ever!

Early the next morning, I woke up crying and wrote the MOB a note thanking her for her visit, and for everything else she is and does. And then she began her 1,000 mile drive back home, to the FOB, who missed her intensely while she was here.

Because that's how it is with the MOB. Wherever the MOB isn't, you keep looking around...

And so, to dry the tears and keep forward momentum, here's a bonus quick update on THE LIST:

#TheList

1. A Partner

2. Two Men of Honor

3. Fantastic Family

4. A Tentative Date

5. A Chuppah Builder

6. A venue!! (Drum roll, please...)

7. Photographers!! (More on that soon, too!)
8. An officiant!!! (Yes, yes, more updates soon!)
9. A guest list spreadsheet (Boring, but vital. Now, to start plugging in names...)

Sanity, Squared

So, there was the stress-creeping-in post earlier this week. It was a relief just to put that out there a bit, before diving back into the madness that is this week. Because this week is just one of those weeks.

It's one of those weeks that I have work gigs pulling me in several different directions.

It's one of those weeks where there is something on the calendar for the evening, EVERY evening.

This chat message happened in real life.

It's one of those weeks where I was super proud to carve out half an hour to go to the gym yesterday... only to realize, when I got home, that I'd been wearing my drawstring shorts backwards.

One of those weeks.

But luckily, I have resources and allies. People that help keep me sane and smiling.

Like my mother, now known as THE MOB (Mother of the Bride), who sent a sweet and supportive message my way.

My friend Nicole, in from out of town, who just kept fist-bumping me about how awesome this part of life is - yeah, dude! (She also survived a fall from a six story building and is kind of amazing for perspective and inspiration, in general).

And of course, The Fiancé, who can always make me laugh. See the image in this post? Up and to the right? That'd be the opening to a chat conversation we had yesterday. Welcome to my life. It's pretty nerdtastic.

All that to say - more soon. And it'll be good. Even if it's "off"... it'll ultimately be good. 'Cause it'll all work out in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

My Sister Lives in a Van

I promised good characters in this adventure, right? So here’s one. My little sister (seven and a half years younger than I am, far for more freckled, much better metabolism) and her boyfriend live in a van. 

For real. So does their dog.

Van Dog. (Dog van Dog?)

They used to live in an apartment, but earlier this year, they decided to take their show on the road. Literally. They sold most of their stuff, bought a van, and started driving around to see the country and peddle their music. With their powers combined, Van Sister and Her Boyfriend form a band called Scuttlebuggs,and they recently released an album. It’s great and you can listen to it for free! Even better, after you listen to it, go ahead and pay the few bucks it costs to download your own copy. They live in a van, people. They need your dollars.

Here are some additional pictures of said van, in case you need some proof:

Bed van Bed...

Sister van Sister...

Can you spot the Toilet van Toilet?!

Recently, they headed down South, including through our neck of the woods, so all members of Scuttlebuggs (dog included) stayed with us for a few days. The stories they shared of their couch-surfing and van-sleeping adventures made the Fiancé and I feel really, really dull by comparison. While we’ve been living in a rental townhouse with sad old carpeting, they’ve been shacking up with Sexual Libertines in New Orleans! Sharing camping space with toothless ex-cons in the Ozarks! Sleeping in Walmart parking lots and going for days on end without showers!*

This is not the first time my sister and her dude have done something crazy. And had it work out. You should ask them about the time they spent 6 weeks trekking through Cambodia, Laos, Thailand and Vietnam. Or the time my sister basically inadvertently landed a national Walgreens voice-over gig - yeah, she's the voice in this spot (and several others):

Basically, as my brother says, the sis and her dude are magical-fairies, and things just don't work the same way for other people as they do for those two.

That's my sister. Who lives in a van.

Van Sister and Her Boyfriend were officially the first family members to see us post-engagement. They brought a bottle of champagne, and we toasted with mimosas all of the good times and giggles and potential madcap antics ahead. Because with a supporting cast like this**, you know this show is destined to be epic. Or at least marginally bizarre.

My sister's boyfriend (Boyfriend van Boyfriend)
gives The Fiancé  & me two thumbs up.

*This is 100% true, but in this instance rather than feeling dull by comparison we felt squeaky clean. Sparkly, even.

**Seriously, fun and fascinating as Van Sister and her boyfriend are, they’re not the only colorful characters in our pack of friends and family. And we’re not actually all that dull ourselves… 

What's an Off Season Bride? I Am!

Hello. My name is Beth, and I am an Off Season Bride.

OMG in the middle of typing,
I still get thrown by this thing.

How am I "off"? Let me count the ways:

1) I'm a decade behind most of my friends. I'm a 30something first-timer to this bridal-thing. Since most of my peers got married 5 to 10 years ago (or more), I've been to many a wedding, and been in several. Rookie Bride, but Veteran Bridesmaid. Practically a professional. In fact, I once spent a full week in a bridesmaid dress; more on that later. The point is, I'm already realizing that this whole bridal-thing is something that I'm not only doing later than a lot of my friends, but also something I'm experiencing in a very different way now than I would have in my twenties. For better, or worse - but hopefully, mostly, for better.

2) We're having a late winter wedding. To clarify: NOT ON OR NEAR VALENTINE'S DAY, Y'ALL. But a late winter wedding. Which technically makes the wedding "off season," too - which is super awesome for venue and flight prices, bee tee dubs.

3) I am an indie-artsy-theater-nerd-writer-girl/native Midwesterner, who (due to life being hilarious) will be getting married in Mississippi, under a chuppah. Enough said.

4) My fiancé and I have already been together for about six years. Which means a lot of folks have made jokes about our timing being off (though, after much debate, I think our timing is spot-on; more on that later, too). It also makes me feel weird that a year and a half from now, we will celebrate our "one year anniversary" as we approach 8 actual years of being together, and, like, 6 years of folding each others' underwear. How does that work?

5) Speaking of the fiancé, did I mention he's a stand-up comedian? Yeah, for real. People actually marry comedians. (Though to be clear, he does have a day job - where he gets to drink at the office... where I used to work...) The thing is, he's awesome and makes me laugh every day. And also uses me for material sometimes all the damn time. And you know what they say about payback.

All things considered, especially when you throw in my future husband's and my collective lack of mushy-inclinations, I think I qualify as off, bridal-y-speaking. Probably some of you out there do, too. And then I'm guessing there are you others who want to watch my off-kilter escapades the way you watch reality television, cracking open a bottle, picking favorite cast members, and hoping someone cries or mud-wrassles or flips a table before it's all over.

No promises. But Honey Boo Boo Child is, frankly, a little threatened by me.

OH! One final thing I should make clear. This blog is not an advice-site. I am claiming zero wedding expertise (other than when it comes to being a reasonably-kickass bridesmaid). This is a story-sharing, celebrating, venting, writing-so-I-don't-freak-out site. It's a journey.

So c'mon, let's (b)ride.