I'm Not Ready

I'm not ready.

I've felt that way about everything lately. The production I'm in opened Tuesday night, and as I drove to the theater I thought, I'm not ready.

But the show opened anyway.

Tonight begins the holiday of Yom Kippur, a twenty-four hour of fasting and atonement, which usually I prepare for with some reflection and apologies and exercise, but I haven't been able to do so, and thus I feel like I'm not ready.

But the holiday will come at sunset anyway.

I'm not wearing my ring for this two-week stretch of the show, since it felt more secure to put it in a safe for two weeks than risk losing it backstage, and my bare finger seems strange and already feels like an expired version of me... but a version I know, and understand. It makes me wonder, suddenly and more intensely than I did a month or two ago, am I ready to get married? Even as a firmly-established adult woman in her 30s, even as a partner of already-a-half-dozen-years, even so, I have this feeling that I'm not ready...

...but I'll probably get married anyway.